Death, Epilepsy & Me

For those who don't know, I have Epilepsy. 

I speak about it often and it's typically in group settings because there's always someone new (friend, family, teacher, employer) and I always find myself feeling awkward no matter how many times I've said it.  It isn't something you'll read in my bio or hear me casually talk about it, unless I subtly throw it into my feed. It's not a label I wear. No one likes being the sick person in the room.

"I just want to let you know I have Epilepsy..."

I don't know why but after 10 years I still feel weird about it. When I was first diagnosed at 13 I was petrified to tell ANYONE. I was scared of the judgement, but I knew I had to tell people because of the "just in case" moments. Thankfully I didn't have to put anyone through that. As an adult it's strange, those ten words don't describe me but it somehow immediately makes me vulnerable. (Unfortunately as an adult I did put someone in a "moment" in a very public place... oops. )

What are you afraid of?

Horror is my favorite genre of film, I don't get scared easily. Jump scares make me laugh because the scene is usually predicable. If a film does genuinely terrorize me they get my seal of approval *inserts fancy seal.* I was about 2 years seizure free until this year... And so far I've had 3 seizures, which is the most I've had since being diagnosed. I thought everything was going great, 2 years clean, was starting to learn to drive (which is like the most exciting thing ever, I'm sorry not sorry anxiety. Whoever says driving isn't that great needs to get out & not say that to a sick person). I do not know my triggers anymore... I know the basics like eat, sleep, etc... But When I was having these it was total loss of control and memory loss. I never really thought about my mortality. Now I'm afraid. It's completely rare to not wake up after having a seizure, but this is my fear. As I've gotten older I'm more aware of death. It wasn't something I really thought about when I was younger. I did't know what was happening to my body and then we were able to fix it with medication. Now with my recent  episodes I have become spooked. With delightful amount of bruises and one bloody nose, and no recollection of it happening or coming to, death feels so near...

I just wanna have fun? Be Normal?

What can I say? I'm a young woman in her early 20's and I want to have fun! I love my friends and going out is great, because honestly anything that gets me out of the house is total fun. I feel bad and I hate that I feel bad, that I can't experience the amount of "fun" my friends want to. I have limits unfortunately due to my triggers. It's hard to not take it personal because my personality is a bitch. I want to be included, I want to go out, and I want to do so much... I'm just afraid I won't get to do so much with my life as I'd wish/hoped. I worry a lot, what I mean is everyday is different and I don't know what is going to happen but I can prevent what could. "The Spoon Theory" http://bit.ly/2dDOyGg describes this way perfectly. 

This is me.

Well a piece of me.